20 Funny Quotes

Our lives today are unfolding in unpredictable ways where there are global pressures and urgency to try to stay on top of the situations we are all in now.

We desire for fast solutions because we worry about our own and our family’s health, work, and finances.

We crave for some good news or good stories to listen to, but they seem so hard to come by these days now.

Sometimes quotes can provide us with a burst of inspiration, motivation, and strength to help us get by for the day or for weeks to come.

Here are some of the funny quotes that I have collected over the years that could bring a big smile on your face.

“The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.”

-FRED ALLEN
American Comedian
Fred Allen was an American Comedian. His radio program The Fred Allen Show made him one of the most popular and forward-looking humorists in the Golden Age of American radio.
Born:  May 31, 1894, Massachusetts, USA
Died:  March 17, 1956, New York, USA
Education: Boston University

“I am not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

WOODY ALLEN
American Screenwriter/Director/Actor
Woody Allen is an American Screenwriter, Director, Actor, Comedian, Author, Playwright, and Musician whose career spans over 50 years.
Born: December 1, 1935, The Bronx, New York, USA

“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore, and you sleep alone.”

-ANTHONY BURGESS
English Writer
John Anthony Burgess Wilson, FRSL–who published under the pen name
Anthony Burgess was an English Writer.
Born: February 25, 1917, Greater Manchester, U.K.
Died: November 22, 1993, St John’s Wood, U.K.

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

-GEORGE CARLIN
American Stand-up Comedian
George Denis Patrick Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, social
critic, satirist, actor, and writer/author who won five Grammy Awards for his comedy albums.
Born: May 12, 1937, New York, United States
Died: June 22, 2008, Santa Monica,California, United States

“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.”

-ROB CORDDRY
American Actor/Comedian
Robert William “Rob” Corddry is an American Actor and Comedian. He is known for his work as a correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and for his starring role in the comedy film Hot Tub Time Machine.
Born: February 4, 1971, Massachusetts, United States

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

-RODNEY DANGERFIELD
American Comedian/Actor
Rodney Dangerfield was an American Comedian and Actor; known for the catchphrase “I don’t get no respect!” and his monologues on that theme. He is also remembered for his 1980s film roles, especially in Easy Money, Caddy Shack, and Back to School
Born: November 22, 1921, New York, United States
Died: October 5, 2004, Los Angeles, California, USA

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”

-JIMMY DURANTE
American Singer
James Francis “Jimmy” Durante was an American Singer, Pianist, Comedian, and Actor. His distinctive speech, comic language butchery, jazz-influenced songs, and large nose helped make him one of America’s most familiar and famous personalities of the 1920s through the 1970s. His jokes about his nose included referring to it as a Schnozzola, and the word became his nickname.
Born: February 10, 1893, Brooklyn, New York, United States
Died: January 29, 1980, Santa Monica, California, United States

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

W. C. FIELDS
American Comedian
William Claude Dukenfield, also known as W. C. Fields, was an American Comedian, Actor, Juggler, and Writer
Born: January 29, 1880, Darby, Pennsylvania, United States
Died: December 25, 1946, Pasadena, California, United States

“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”

-BUDDY HACKETT
American Comedian/Actor
Buddy Hackett was an American Comedian and Actor.
Born: August 31, 1924, Brooklyn, New York, United States
Died: June 30, 2003, Malibu, California, United States

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

-MITCH HEDBERG
American Stand-up Comedian
Mitchell Lee “Mitch” Hedberg was an American Stand-up Comedian known for his humour and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements.
Born: February 24, 1968, Saint Paul, Minnesota, United States
Died: March 30, 2005, Livingston, New Jersey, United States

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”

-OLIVER HERFORD
English Writer/Artist/Illustrator
Oliver Herford was an English Writer, Artist, and Illustrator. As a frequent contributor to The Mentor, Life, and Ladies’ Home Journal, he sometimes signed his artwork as “O Herford”.
Born: December 2, 1863, Sheffield, United Kingdom
Died: July 5, 1935, New York, USA

“Older people shouldn’t eat health food; they need all the preservatives they can get.”

-ROBERT ORBEN
American Comedy Writer
Robert Orben is best known as an American professional comedy writer. However, he also worked as a speechwriter for Gerald R. Ford and as a magician.
Born: March 4, 1927, United States of America

“If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.”

-WILLIAM SYDNEY PORTER
(Pen Name: O. Henry)
American Writer
William Sydney Porter, known by his pen name O. Henry was an American Writer. O. Henry’s short stories are known for their wit, wordplay, warm characterization, and clever twist endings.
Born: September 11, 1862, North Carolina, United States
Died: June 5, 1910, Asheville, North Carolina, United States

“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.”

-RONALD REAGAN
40th President of United States of America
Ronald Wilson Reagan was the 40th President of the United States. Before that, he was the 33rd Governor of California, and a radio, film, and television actor.
Born: February 6, 1911, Tampico, Illinois, United States
Died: June 5, 2004, Bel-Air, Los Angeles, California, United States
Presidential term: January 20, 1981–January 20, 1989

 “When I eventually met Mr Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.”

-RITA RUDNER
American Comedian/Writer/Actor
Rita Rudner is an American Comedian, Writer, and Actress.
Born: September 17, 1953, Miami, Florida, United States

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

-JERRY SEINFELD
American Stand-up Comedian
Jerome Allen “Jerry” Seinfeld is an American Stand-up Comedian, Actor, Writer, and Television/film Producer, known for playing a semi-fictional a version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld.
Born: April 29, 1954, Brooklyn, New York, United States

“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer    the phone?”

-JAMES THURBER
Author
James Grover Thurber was an American author and cartoonist. Thurber was best known for his cartoons and short stories, published mainly in The New Yorker magazine.
Born: December 8, 1894, Ohio, United States
Died: November 2, 1961, New York, United States
Awards: Special Tony Award

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”

-LILY TOMLIN
American Actress
Mary Jean “Lily” Tomlin is an American Actress, Comedian, Writer, and Producer. Tomlin has been a significant force in American comedy since the late 1960s when she began a career as a stand-up comedian.
Born: September 1, 1939, Detroit, Michigan, United States

“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”

-JANE WAGNER
American Writer/Director/Producer
Jane Wagner is an American writer, director, and producer. Wagner is Lily Tomlin’s comedy writer, collaborator, and life partner.
Born: February 26, 1935, Morristown, Tennessee, United States
Partner: Lily Tomlin (1971–)
Education: School of Visual Arts, Morristown High School
Awards: Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy-Variety or Music Special, Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Program, Primetime Emmy Award for Best Writing in Comedy Variety, Variety or Music, and more.

“If women ran the world, we wouldn’t have wars, just        intense negotiations every 28 days.”

-ROBIN WILLIAMS
American Actor and Comedian
Robin McLaurin Williams was one of the best comedians of all time. He was known for his skills and the wide variety of memorable voices he created. He performed in San Francisco and Los Angeles during the mid-1970s. He rose to fame for playing the alien Mork in the sitcom Mork & Mindy in 1978–1982
Born: July 21, 1951, Chicago, Illinois, USA.
Died: August 11, 2014, in Paradise Cay, California


Till next time. Cheers!

Ninagracia



Sources:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki
https://www.brainyquote.com/

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