I still clearly remember when our school newspaper published my short poem. It took up only a tiny space in the corner of a page, but the joy of seeing my work in print was hard to describe. At a very young age, after seeing my name in print, I realised I knew what I wanted to do—be an author.
Decades later, the desire to write and be an author lingered. I continued to write. I wrote short poems and many letters to myself whenever I felt sad, confused, or happy. I wrote short stories for children and older readers, but I hid them away for fear of being laughed at or ridiculed. It took me many years to find the strength to write. For the most part, I struggled to believe I could write like a real author. I persevered and finished a children’s book, which I self-published in 2019. I created a new job title for myself—an author. However, I have often asked myself why this new job title is hard to tell everybody. Why do I still hide behind my old job title? I could spend my entire life writing, but I felt I wasn’t a real author unless I published my work traditionally. Others would argue that the publishing process shouldn’t define me as an author. Self-published work is still considered published work. The author is the real author of the work and has taken on a much more significant role in the book’s production.
I am naturally shy and reserved, so it is no surprise that workshopping my work with others is not my primary interest. Overanalysing myself and spending too much time striving for perfection in my writing are among my apparent weaknesses in my artistic practice. I have an intense interest in writing. Still, it has always been a challenge to move beyond the academic writing I learned at university. Academic writing has never been my strong suit because it requires logical, organised arguments, whereas creative writing allows for personal expression, imagination, and fictional or meaningful impressions based on real-life events. I create fictional characters that my audience would love or hate. The language is more descriptive than formal. This is how I write, and I enjoy it.
I think of an author as a professional who has published a book and earned money from their work. I wouldn’t use the word “author” to describe myself because it feels too big. For me, writing is a skill I have learned and developed through constant practice and repetition. It is difficult for me to identify as an author after self-publishing my book because I don’t earn any income from it. It was much easier to say I worked earlier in my life than to tell people I am now an author. It was challenging because my desire to get published went far beyond simply explaining that my work was worthy of publication. On the other hand, those who are traditionally published by one of the biggest publishing companies gain credibility and prestige for themselves and their work.
Calling myself an author is difficult because self-publishing carries stigma, as if it were of lesser value than traditionally published work. I tried to shape and grow my identity as an author, despite the many challenges and responsibilities I take seriously. I realised that my voice is how I connect with others and express my thoughts and opinions. I tell my stories, share my values and passions, and convey my experiences through my writing.
The children’s book I self-published, Gracie…Shhh!, recounts my primary school days, when my friends and I began our search for the elves after a gossip rumour started at school. It was my first and most significant venture, and I admit it took courage to tackle this enormous job. It took me nearly a year to finish a ten-thousand-word children’s book. Writing about something I genuinely care about was much easier. As the author of this book, my ultimate role is to create a story. I planned and shaped the events to make my readers’ journey exciting and sometimes reckless. Gracie…Shhh! is told in the first person, and as the narrator, I tell the story from the point of view of a young girl who is the main character. When I talk about my book, I feel a stronger sense of connection and ownership because I use my own words to express what I was thinking, how I portray my characters, and what I want readers to feel even after they finish.
Self-publishing is becoming the first choice for many aspiring authors seeking faster access to global markets and complete control over their book’s promotion. My ambition to become an author and publish a book outshines the stigma associated with self-publishing. It is complex and challenging for a writer. Still, the author of a self-published work is the real author, irrespective of how it was published. For me, self-publishing is a way to realise my aspiration to be an author, and being published has given me a sense of self-fulfilment.
I am who I say I am. If I am honest with myself, committed to improving my craft, and dedicated to writing and publishing books, then I am an author. My experience has deepened my understanding of my identity. My name is my brand–Ninagracia. It is the identity that will ultimately define me through my writing. Those pieces I wrote when I was younger, which I kept in a box for many years and hid from everyone, have finally found a new home. I created a personal website, Ninagracia, to publish my poems, articles, and anything I find fascinating and exciting to share. I still don’t get paid for my work, but there is a genuine sense of accomplishment in having found a platform that feels comfortable and non-threatening. My blog posts reflect my thoughts, personality, and character. My public space welcomes everyone to comment or share their thoughts and feelings about my work. On my website, I’ve shared what I have learned about myself. When I write, self-doubt creeps in, and I feel like I’m not good enough. The truth is, there will always be someone who is so much better than us, and another who is heaps better than that “someone”. This cycle goes on, and if we let it get into our heads, writing becomes harder to conquer.
I still don’t say out loud that I am an author. There is still so much room to improve my writing and skills, but I no longer shy away from calling myself an author – whether it’s a blog or a book; it doesn’t matter. I am an author.
Till next time.
Cheers,
